The Generosity of Friendship: Growth and Connection Through Relationships

The world continues to be messy, yet the universe continues to have ways of reminding us that there are delightful aspects of being human to keep us ever engaged. Many of us continue to contribute to the tapestry that aids the world's progress to a better and more humane place, even in the shadow of its violence. Ever since I watched Lisa Fairfax deliver her introduction for our newest Supreme Court Justice, Kentanji Brown-Jackson, I have been ruminating on the significance and power of friendships. I feel fortunate to have many spaces in which I have been able to witness joy in my life. One of the places I consistently find a sense of joy, as well as peace and connection is through my friendships. My friends know how much they mean to me, but the concept of friendship societally speaking, as a site for growth and connection is one that is often overlooked in favor of dreamy romantic love stories. As I get older I am acutely aware of how some of my richest friendships are reflections of the profound generosity of care of the people in my life.

Over the past few weeks of ruminating, navigating friendships also became a major part of my parenting with my son (he gave me permission to share).In particular, my experience parenting my 14 year old whose prowess as a social butterfly via social media I am beginning to realize is quite prolific. I am struck by the intentionality and kindness he demonstrates towards his friends, and others generally. Perhaps it's the adversity he has experienced. I am struck by his somewhat ambiverted ways of being. He thrives on time alone, while also is eager to connect. As a teen, I had a couple of very close and very intense friendships, but I did not have the kind of circles of friendships I observe of my child. We have moved to a few different places in his life and he has successfully maintained his friendships with people in each location and through the pandemic. 

As adults we often joke about how teens want nothing to do with us, and they are all about their friends, yet, as I witness him and we also talk about his relationships with friends, there is real growth, connection, and love that he is trying to navigate. We are having discussions about what it looks like to show care towards friends who are making choices that leave my son feeling a need to keep them at a distance for his own safety, while he begins to come into figuring out the role he plays with his friends. While there is a great deal of attention placed on hormones, sex, and navigating romantic feelings for others, how do adults support their teens friendships? How do we support teens in understanding their own values and relationships to friends. As I listen to my son’s eagerness to visit friends in various locations, I am in awe at his capacity to sustain connections and his growth.

As awestruck as I am by witnessing my son’s capacity to build and sustain friendships in a pandemic, I am also amazed at how those of us who are older have been able to really dig into the value of our friendships as well. “Life” never stopped in the pandemic, just the location of where it was experienced was limited. People were still experiencing the roller coaster of life and death, more so during the pandemic, families were still struggling with adjusting to living in ways that they never had, while also navigating job loss, divorce, etc. The pandemic underscored for many of us how important our friendships are to our sense of grounding. The generosity of many friendships were tested in this moment. People actually “needed” others in ways they never did before.

I was fortunate to both make a new good friend in the pandemic, while also finding myself in a loving and caring romantic relationship which is also very much a friendship too, both a pleasant surprise given the conditions in which we were all living. These distinct relationships captured for me the preciousness of having the space to connect when my movements were limited. When I think about these relationships I feel profound gratitude and joy for being open to connecting and not dismissing them due to the impossibility of the conditions in which we met. Even as I resume writing here again, I find myself in the home of a very dear old friend and her partner who I have known for a very long time. Friendships are truly precious.

When I had two very dear,  friends who have known me for a long time to visit back in March, I felt such a sense of profound peace. I remain so happy thinking about that visit. I realized during their visit the joy of being known. Of having people in your life who know you deeply and before you speak a word can sense what you feel. It was a reminder that even in the midst of the messiness of the world that there are people in your life who you connect with and through, and that is a very special kind of love.  It is big, and generous, and something that I hope all people are able to cultivate in their lives.